I can’t fucking do this...

I can’t fucking do this.

I whisper to myself about 200 times a day.

It’s not selfish to be real. Why is nobody talking about the boredom that comes with being forced to stay home.

(Critics bore off, I’m fully aware of why we’re doing this and the severity of the situation but my thoughts will not be silenced.)

I’m a high functioning stress addict.

I get shit done.

I’m a mother, a fiancé, a homekeeper and a business woman.

I don’t do lie ins, I hate waiting around and most importantly I can’t stand feeling out of control of my own life, everything now hangs in someone else’s hands, I’ve worked so hard to gain control of my life, my finances, my world.

And now just like everyone else, my income is determined by the Government (unless of course I start a lockdown Biz too 😂) for nearly a year I’ve felt choked by restrictions.

Haven’t we all I hear you say, YES!

Here goes..

All that shit you’re not supposed to say..

Yes we have and we’re certainly ‘not all in the same boat’ some are much harder hit than me, but that doesn’t discredit my right to feel my way through this Pandemic as honestly as I can.

I can be a 24/7 mum but to me, that wasn’t all I was, my identity was also so much more than that. I’m essentially not allowed to be me, as temporary and necessary as it may be, it’s hard to accept you have to be something you’re just not.

I hate the divide between working mums and stay home mums and I’m not in anyway belittling either, but personally for me I crave more than motherhood, I crave creativity and wanderlust and so much more..

You’ll know that this picture was taken in Ibiza, during the pandemic when Mike and I chose to grab £10 flights to an island and escape the reality here for 3 days.That mentality is frowned upon, mainly because it’s seen as selfish, you know what else is seen as selfish.. suicide.


A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Thank god some of us choose a temporary solution to a temporary problem.

Yep I said it, we have a problem with judgement now that the entire world casts eyes upon our personal lives by way of social media.

But you know what leads to suicide? Poor mental health, why have I compared a holiday to suicide you might ask?

I’m not suicidal.

BUT

Because I don’t ever want to compromise my mental health and if that meant escaping reality to a place where covid was less rife, I wanted to do it, to maintain my health. Im already diagnosed PTSD which comes with an array of mental Heath triggers, I’m more susceptible to developing the baby blues lots of other disorders, apparently, statistically.

What about my physical health? And the people I’m putting at risk though, right? Well I’ll explain, firstly by saying that we didn’t break the law. We were free of Covid. We weren’t in lockdown.

The only risk we posed was as spreaders along our way, which btw, we do everyday. I felt safer in Spain than my own country, they had better rules at the time and people were abiding by them.

Did I take a risk to my health by going there, well yeah kinda, I do that everytime I walk into our local Asda right now to be honest and whilst that’s an essential risk, for me a trip away after the strict lockdown in March was essential to my health, nobody knows what it was like to give birth during that lockdown other than those who personally experienced it, the stress was insane. I needed to be me. I needed to drop the ‘muuuuums’ and just be me, and I’m honest enough to say I needed, NEEEEEDED that break. I fully embrace the title of mum and everything that comes with it, and I love being a parent.

I’ll quickly address my vocals around schooling. Bubbles do not exist. Bubbles of 30 go home to one or more person, each with their own bubbles, work or social circles etc, every bodies covid safety situation changes daily, with every.trip.out.the.house, you can take a test one day and be clear, go to Morrison’s and get covid the same day.


The only logical way to fight the virus was to shut the borders, lock us down before it got here. The only way to do it now is the same way until everyone’s vaccinated with a safe vaccine. Eat out to help out, bubbles, return to work screens and bullshit were never going to get us anywhere, no matter how cleverly you manipulate the numbers weekly with restrictions and lifts!

There’s hundreds of articles online about

Loosing your identity after kid’s, keeping the balance in relationships, well that all hit differently in the middle of a pandemic and I needed Jade, not mum Jade, Just Jade and so did Mike, I can’t be just mum 24/7, I’m still here!

Lots of you might disagree with the above, and that’s ok, I respect your views too.

I’m not here to justify my choices, I’m just being real and honest, and I’m being that way I realise I open myself upto criticism, but and it’s a big but, at least I’m not in Dubai pretending to be at work right? 😂 (applies to those leaving to avoid doing lockdown here)

Do I agree that the law should have been different at the time, yes, and had it been and instead the law have been local travel allowed I’d have escaped to a remote yurt in the middle of Devon instead but our somewhat silly prime minister continues to allow travel, (silly because please don’t expect us to not see family members but create schemes like eat out to help out 🤡)

Anyway my point in all of this is, for goodness sake, whatever your mental health needs, do that, within the laws and within reason, it’s our inability to use common sense that got us here (Bozza I’m talking to you buddy).

Everyday human beings are depressed, are bored, are struggling, have lost loved ones, are restricted, are petrified, not only are people dying of Covid but there are lots of people also committing suicide there are lots of people considering suicide and that’s why I’ve made this comparison.

I respect this lockdown and I’ll abide by it because I believe we’re on the home run.

I hate the fact that the human race has silly super humans amongst us that make the rules us normal humans have to abide by, isn’t it a shame we can’t all just live civilly- now I know that’s unrealistic, but we’re sooo conditioned to ‘fall in line’ to protect ourselves that we forget to take responsibility for our own needs too.

Like the ideology behind 9-5 working for rich folk.. like mass state schooling..

Oooops I’ve gone off topic, we’ll save that for another day.

You realise this really is just a place for my crazy random thoughts right?! 😂

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